Rest assured when I say “A Lost Heart” it does not mean what you think it means. It does not imply a lost love, or anything romantic at all.
When my late British West Indian Mom used this term, she usually meant “to give up on something or a person”. How do those words apply to me as a writer?
Here’s my story:
Back in April 2008 (04/05/2008) I started a blog on a site called “Writing Dot Com”. I did this because I had a co-worker who is an avid writer, had an account there, and recommended it to me. Like a curious cat, and since I’ve NEVER been a member of such a site in the past, I decided look into and try it. First with a free account, then moving on to a paid account, then posting my own personal blog.
Back then my blog was a source of therapy because I was going through many rough areas in my life. My blog helped me to talk it out.
Back then I had been taking care of my Mom who had been mentally and emotionally ill, for 35 years and was (and still am) working on a job which was/is extremely stressful. Eventually, as one of her old doctors predicted, Mom became much too ill to handle medically and I had to make the decision to place her in a nursing home. Plus I had to deal with my own personal demons. So you can best believe I was burning up the keyboard with HEAVY blog entries.
While I was doing this my blog was open for WDC (Writing Dot Com) members who were very supportive and encouraged me to publish my blog as a book. Why? Because it would be helpful and encouraging to others who are in the same fix. I briefly toyed with the idea, but wondered, who would read this? Who would believe this stuff? I didn’t think anyone would read and take what I have written seriously.
Truly I’ve re-read some of the stuff and it scared me. Indeed were I to edit and publish this, I might drive readers AWAY instead of TO the book. Sad to say, those who suffer mental/emotional illness(es) are considered a pariah to some, and a source of ridicule to others. Yes, even in this day and age.
Unfortunately, on 08/04/2010 my life was “reset” as my Mom passed away at 0400am that morning. Had it not been for God, my Brothers and Sisters in Christ I would’ve totally lost my mind. Since I am her only child, and she had no close relatives, I was the only one left to make her arrangements. That’s where my Christian family stepped in with helping hands in every area. I am eternally grateful to God and to them for that. Since then my personal life has about-faced and taken a totally different direction.
What has happened to the blog since then? I no longer make entries in it. Why? I’ve “lost heart” to continue. I’ve lost “the fire in the belly” so to speak. I am no longer inspired to blog about my life in that manner any longer. So I have closed the blog.
It kind of saddens me because as I read over some of the past posts. Even though some are horrifying, they are precious and bring tears to my eyes. Why? I had unknowingly documented the last three tumultuous years of my Mother’s life. Had I known that, I would’ve blogged much more about her. The real person she was before several nervous breakdowns, crippling mental and emotional illness and eventually death, stole her away from me.
Alas, I have lost the opportunity. . . . .
Photo taken 18 years ago.
Me: standing. Mom: sitting.